The deadline for filing your federal tax return and paying your taxes has arrived.

According to the Tax Foundation, as of 2014, the Internal Revenue Code and Regulations exceeded 9,000 pages at an average of 450 words per page. A Microsoft Word Count of the Code and Regs came out to nearly 4,000,000 words.

And these are not just any words. As a lawyer who gets paid to read and interpret impenetrable legal writing, I can share with you my professional opinion that the IRS Code and Regs are absolutely incomprehensible gibberish. Chimpanzees on acid banging hammers on laptops could have done a better job than did Congress and the IRS when they excreted this mess.

Adding to the fun, the National Taxpayer Advocate points out that Congress changed the tax code 4,680 times between 2001 and 2012, an average of once per day. No telling how many more changes have been made since then. In other words, the legal goal posts through which each of us must annually kick the ball keep getting moved.

So good luck with your tax return, and take comfort in the knowledge that, by signing it, you are attesting under penalty of law to its accuracy and compliance with the deranged IRS Code and Regs.

Finally,  here’s some professional advice. Right after you’ve sent your return and hard earned money to the IRS, dry your tears and start drinking heavily.

I used to be premed.